Akaz Takashi (قصة من تأليفي)

[Keiru]

Hi its the first time I try to write a story and i would be glad to hear your comments
الصراحة تعبت عليها بس ميخالف



ONE DAY in Japan at 11 pm 5th of september 1992 a new girl was born in the takashi family her name was akaz takashi her mom and dad knew that one day she would make a difference in the world. When she turned four she didnt like to play with dolls she spent more time practicing with her father practicing ninja skills he got the black belt and all she also called himthe ninja master and by the way she took the yellow belt and thats a realy good start!Akaz's father was from the FBI but he had different battle styles what i mean by different battle styles is that hes not a real FBI and he didnt work for anyone but he did work for people's sake he was known as the red dragon. No one knew who he realy was but they knew that when things get to be bad the red dragon is always their to help them.Policemen didn't realy
like him they felt that they were ignored by people & thats why they tried to capture him and put him to jail,but they couldn't because his motor cycle was way too fast, also because of his mask and uniform so they didnt know who he realy was.Akaz's brother was the ice tiger, but the only one that knew that he is the ice tiger was her father. akaz didn't even know that she had a brother she thought that she was an only child. Her father was dure that one day she would turn to be like him and her brother, but the question was when. She should pass some kind of test, she should be qualified to do this thing,& to pass the test she should take the black belt in ninja, or defeat her father in a ninja battle, or know about her brother, or father. When she turned six she was so mysterious, she also didn't have friends not because nobody liked her its because that she liked lonelyness, and she felt that their babies talking about silly. One day, at night when her mom, and dad were sleeping she heard some noise downstairs she wasn't afraid at all she just went downstairs, and took a look she found ten men putting motion alarms in her house she was horrifried, but she said "no fear" in her heart, and took a little screwdriver wich she calls a weapon, and stabbed one of them in the neckthe man wich she stabbed screamed calling for help whenher father heard the noise, and came down running seeing blood on his daughter he came, and hugged Akaz saying "dont worry daddy is here everything is going to be alright". then a man from the nine men left came, and said "there you are red dragon" Akaz looked at her father quickly in a look that says why didn't you tell me, when the guy saw the look on akaz's face he said "oops sorry I guess now you have nothing to hide"






now what do you think Akaz would do would she run away or would she appreciate that her father kept this secret from her to make her safe?


......TO BE CONTINUED

[hatori higi]

مشكووووورة أختي ع القصة الراااائعة :) و انتظر التكملة .... و الى الأماااااااام
:)

[wa7dawi]

Oh really nice story
thanks alot

and we wait a continued

your bro
wa7dawi

[Lady_Oscar]

nice & good story Because
^_^ it About ninja






Hi its the first time I try to write a story and i would be glad to hear your comments


really

Wow It's starter

[فازلين]

thnx 4 the realy nice story....

i'm waitting 4 the rest:)

[Keiru]

y'all said that u wait 4 a continue and ill put the story as soon as possible because of the school and other stuff so be patient coz the next part is the most exciting part

[Keiru]

Akaz's father was very angry, then he did a back flip, and took some knives from the kitchen, and threw the first one on that guy then he threw the other knives at the other men, and they all fell dead. Akaz's father turned his face to talk to Akaz, but he didn't find her she ran away with a letter saying "FAMILIES KEEP NO SECRET", and next to that letter is another letter saying "I'm really sorry, but you killed all the men just because one of them said a secret that you kept from us what if I said one of your secrets, or did a mistake im afraid that you will kill me…bye" .Akaz's father was worried about Akaz, he felt guilty of not telling her, but it would be dangerous if he did tell her, because she's just a child, and she could brag about her father, or brother so when people against the ice tiger, and red dragon hear about her they may kill, or kidnap her. At this time Akaz was walking on the snowy ground with her eyes full of tears looking for somewhere to settle down, she knew that it wasn’t the right decision to run away, but it was too late to return home. Suddenly she saw a small cave she was so happy that she forgot about feeling cold, thirsty, hungry, lonely, and sad. When she entered the cave it was so dark, but Akaz was always ready she brought a small flashlight that was inside her backpack that she brought with her. When she turned the flashlight on something furry was running towards her, and then jumped on her it was a…..



TO BE CONTINUED….


Now what was that furry thing and what will Akaz do………?

[M.P]

Nice story, keep it up :)

[yoyo^star]

Hi there ^_^
your story is good so far but there's a big room for improvement. First thing you should consider is describing... like trying to describe the place, characters & fighting scenes.. this would make people imagine what you're saying a lot more better. For example, describe the heroine Akaz by saying something like: "she inherited the sharpness of her father's eyes, you can tell that she's clever by looking at her once. She's a short girl which made her climbing skills as a ninja perfect. For some reason she's fascinated with dark colors so you won't see her wearing something in baby pink like other girls, maybe that's because she was indeed different in every angle of her character.". Second, your vocabulary is good but I advise that you read short stories to gain even more words and phrases so that you have more options on how to express your thoughts. Last thing, your grammar is mostly good but you can do better if you read the script out loud you will see that some sentences sound heavy on your ears so you can paraphrase them into something more grammatical and even more interesting if I may say.

Keep up the hard work sis.
Best of luck,
yoyo^star

[قلب ران]

Nice story