Farewell My Friend we'll not meet again! Part 1+2...story

[Kurosagi]

Hii there again! this is the 1st and the 2nd Parts of my story
Hope to get critics or comments on my english and the story it self as a story , or anything u think
no more talking.... I'll leave u with the story

Part 1

Yukimura Kyo is a very happy, enthusiastic, energetic boy who lives with his father, mother, and older sister. He was born in Tokyo where he spent his first 5 years and then moved with his family to US for his father’s P.H.D. Since his parents, Dr.Akai and Dr. Yukiko, were busy in their studies, Kyoko, Kyo’s sister, became closer to him than his parents. Kyo and Kyoko have studied in American schools for 5 years and have made a lot of friends until a terrible accident has changed their life especially to Kyo’s life.

It has begun when Kyo’s father told his children that they are going to an ancient garden in the early morning. They thought it is unusual to go so early, yet, they were happy thinking that they are going to meet their best friends there. Actually, Kyo’s father had a friend who was his colleague in the university and also with him in his current PhD’s studies. Peter was his name and he had also two children in the same age as Kyo and Kyoko. When kyo’s family arrived to the garden they found Dr. Peter alone without his children. It was really strange seeing him alone.

- “Good morning Uncle Peter… where is James and Sara?” asked Kyo.
- “Oh! good morning …I’m sorry Kyo but James and Sara aren’t coming, they went with their mother to California”
- “What! James didn’t tell me …what's wrong with him!?… he used to tell me every thing”
- “ Never mind”

After that they were enjoying their time in the garden looking at an ancient building and its columns. It was really huge and full of glory. In the middle of the building and particularly at the centre of a square area there was a beautiful artistic sculpture which has attracted Kyo and his family. They gathered around it and Dr. Peter started talking about it; its history and by who it was made. Moreover, he analysed each part of it so all the attention was on the sculpture. At that very moment Dr. Peter has accomplished his mission.

- “Oh look! The sculpture is moving!!”said Kyo.
- “Yes! It is moving slowly!” said Kyoko.
- “Indeed! Why is that Dr. Peter?……Dr… Pe...ter….huh!!??” said, Kyo’s mother.
- “Peter … what’s wrong…why are you…” said, Kyo’s father.

As they turned to Dr. Peter, he was 5 steps aside from them with sly smile “farewell my friend we’ll not meet again” that was the last words they heard from Dr. Peter before they fall down in a deep dark hole

******************

Part 2

It was very dark surrounding; Kyo couldn’t see anything around him even his hand he couldn’t see it. He started calling his sister, then his father and mother but there was no answer. His heart started pounding quickly; he didn’t know what this feeling was about but all he could do is walking and continuing calling his family. The place was still getting darker and darker until a source of light has appeared so he started running towards it.

The source of light was still too far away, Kyo didn’t know how far it is but still he didn’t give up. As he was running, the ground suddenly has broken so he started falling down, but then there was a huge hand that has captured him. That hand belongs to a very huge strange body which looks more like a giant human. Kyo couldn’t see anything except a frame of shadow of that huge body. Then he heard a voice calling him.

“KYO! KYO~~~~~!! Are you ok?? Please wake up! KYO! ”

When he opened his eyes his sister was the first scene appeared, her face looked so worried and pale. Then he looked at the surrounding, this time it wasn’t dark but a metallic dungeon with passageways. His parents were a little aside from him where they were whispering. Their face looked serious and intense as if there was a serious matter.

- “So…it was a dream after all…” said Kyo.
- “Kyo…are you alright?” said Kyoko.
- “yes …I’m ok but…” he looked at her with eyes full of wonder, and said:
- “Where are we? What is going on? Why did Uncle Peter…”
- “ I don’t know anything either…maybe Mom and Dad know something”

Dr. Akai and his wife were still negotiating and they were making sure not to let Kyo and Kyoko hear them.

- “Yukiko! As I told you …now take the children and go…”
- “How do you expect me to run away and leave you behind!!??”
- “ Don’t worry, at least they won’t kill me since they want the information from me”
- “But they won’t go easy on you! They consider you as a betrayal!!”
- “That’s exactly why you have to run with the children… I’m sure they want to use them with you as way to threat me and as you know I know nothing about the information they want so … it would be better if you ran away with them”

Dr. Yukiko came towards Kyo and Kyoko and told them to follow her with a very strict voice. Her face looked serious and she didn’t give them a chance to answer before she had continued walking in her way. Kyoko followed her mother while Kyo was still wondering, he looked at his father who smiled and leaned his head showing agreement. Kyo was still unsatisfied but he followed his mother, at that time his father was watching them smiling and deep inside him he was saying (I’m sorry ...Since I know nothing about the information they want, it means they’ll kill me anyway... I really don’t know where Dr. Edward went after I had rescued him).
The two children were following their mother without any word. She was walking as if she was familiar with the place; she was also so careful that she didn’t allow Kyo and Kyoko to talk unless it is necessary. But Kyo couldn’t stay silent, he whispered to Kyoko

- “What is that smell? Is it chemicals?”
- “Yes…as you know Mom and Dad are chemists so…”
- “So what?!! You mean this is their work place!!!”
- “I think so…but not sure…anyway this place looks familiar to Mom”
- “Can’t both of you be quite! At this rate they’ll catch our location” said Kyo’s mother.
- “Well if it is about our location they definitely have caught it from the beginning Mom… can’t you see these cameras??!! And who are THEY?!!”said Kyo.

At that moment the look of Dr. Yukiko has changed, she looks now more scared and nervous; her body became hot and sweating. She was thinking why she didn’t pay attention to the surrounding; it is obvious that they will use cameras especially at a place like this. Then she tried to calm herself saying I’ve got to protect my children). Kyoko was looking at her mother “don’t sweat it mom ... it’ll be alright” she said that although she didn’t know what’s going on. “Kyoko! Kyo!” saidDr. Yukiko suddenly, “yes!” both Kyo and Kyoko answered “hold my hand and do not let it go no matter what happen, got it??” “Yes mom”.

This time while they were walking, they tried as much as they can to avoid walking through the range of the cameras. Also they were trying to find any clue that may lead them to an exit, but unfortunately they couldn’t find any, moreover the dungeon was like repeating itself. They didn’t know whether they are moving forward or moving around the same place. “Aren’t there any guide map??!!” Kyo was bellyaching.
“No boy there are no maps here not even one” a throaty voice answered coming from the back. The three has stopped looking behind them to see a blond man with dark brown eyes who was wearing a white lab coat over a dark bluish uniform. He was standing between another two men who looked like bodyguards.

- “Long time no see…Yukiko” he said.
- “Dr. Brain!!”
- “Yes ...how are you Yukiko? I missed you so much”
- “Didn’t they expel you last year!!? What on earth are you doing here!!?”
- “HAHAHAHAHAHA” he laughed “did they really expel me!…I’ve been working here since last year…poor woman…you just don’t know”
- “Wha…what do you mean!!?”
- “ listen to me my dear… you will know nothing unless you cooperate with us”
- “What are you saying!!?? There is no way I’d cooperate with you”
- “Really…” he said while he was getting near Dr. Yukiko.

Dr. Yukiko held her children strongly while she was beginning to move backward, until she felt someone behind her, she looked to find a third bodyguard!
- “So…it seems that you have no choice but to face your fate my dear Yukiko…” said Dr. Brain while Dr. Yukiko was staring at him.

I think this time there are more mistakes or maybe weak sentences ,,,so please let me learn from you
I've started with the 3rd part right now.... ja ^^

[فاطمة الزهراء]

السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته

Hi my dear sister Kurosagi ^^

wow this part is really wonderful , amazing , exciting I'm really enthusiastic
for the third part

I hope to see the continuation as soon as you can

for the mistakes , um I noticed one

wasbellyaching, I think you mean "was bellyaching" .

actually I like your story too much because you use a wonderful and strong words so it makes it more beautiful ^^

pretty good ~_^

I'm looking forward of more of your creative works

go ahead

في أمان الله

[Kurosagi]

Hi my dear sister Kurosagi

Hi fatima

wow this part is really wonderful , amazing , exciting I'm really enthusiastic
for the third part

I hope to see the continuation as soon as you can

Thank u soo much ur words makes me happy
Inshallah I'll try my best to write the 3rd part

for the mistakes , um I noticed one

wasbellyaching, I think you mean "was bellyaching" .

thanx a lot, really...I've already corrected it

actually I like your story too much because you use a wonderful and strong words so it makes it more beautiful

pretty good ~_^

I'm looking forward of more of your creative works

go ahead

Glad u like it, I hope the story is good as a story
thanx for encouraging me :yes2:
moreover thanx for ur reply
ja ne my dear sister fatima

[shooog]

السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته

Thank you Kurosagi

I was interesting with reading the story^^

I hope to see your subject full of the English section

Waiting to completion

[Kurosagi]

Hiii shooog

thanx a lot for ur words and ur reply
I wished to get some comment or critic
but no problem ,,I'm happy for ur considiration to my story

Inshalla I'll try to finish the 3rd part ^^ ...ja nee

[Dragonier]

Forgive me for not posting in the first part
I read that part and wanted to comment about
some parts of it. But, I have been busy lately and
:nosweat: I couldn't write anything

If you asked me about my opinion, I'd say
It is a great story. Your vocabulary is great and
the words you used are strong. Your way of writing is interesting
which drags the reader to continue the story to the end

Keep on writing to improve your writing skills
I am sure you'd be a great writer in the future

I have other comments on the story
and on some points and sentences.
I will try to post them as soon as I can, because I am busy right now

:cool21: So, Look forward to it.

[Kurosagi]

Welcome to my story Dragonier

Forgive me for not posting in the first part
I read that part and wanted to comment about
some parts of it. But, I have been busy lately and
I couldn't write anything

I'm really happy to see ur reply and thanx for ur concern
So u r busy! I see especially since u r in Msoms manga, it must be Lot of work…gambatte

If you asked me about my opinion, I'd say
It is a great story. Your vocabulary is great and
the words you used are strong. Your way of writing is interesting
which drags the reader to continue the story to the end

Keep on writing to improve your writing skills
I am sure you'd be a great writer in the future

Honestly, I appreciate every word u said, thank u soo much
And I'm happy to hear that the story drags reader to continue
Inshallah I'll try to improve it

great writer in the future…hhhhh well I hope so, thank u

I have other comments on the story
and on some points and sentences.
I will try to post them as soon as I can, because I am busy right now

So, Look forward to it.

Really!! I'll be looking forward to it
Comments is something I really need
GOOD LUCK in ur work busy girl

Hope to see ur reply soon ....ja nee

[Dragonier]

Hi again Kurosagi
I am truely sorry that I didn't write my whole comment
on those two parts of your great story
I really wanted to do so earlier
But as I said before, I am so busy these days in more than one thing
Also, I am going to travel tomorrow and it's one of the many
:sadwalk: things that kept me busy

So u r busy! I see especially since u r in Msoms manga, it must be Lot of work…gambatte

I am busy for sure. You can ask about that
By the way, The purple colour is for the msoms anime fansub team
and the green one is for the manga team

Really!! I'll be looking forward to it
Comments is something I really need
GOOD LUCK in ur work busy girl

Hope to see ur reply soon ....ja nee

I promise that I will post my comment as soon as I get back
Maybe the story will be finished by that time;p
In that case I will post my comment on the whole story
! and it's goning to be a long one. Trust me on that

Thank you for this great story again
and keep up your good work

[Kurosagi]

hiii
well I wanted to say that I'm busy these days so...the 3rd part will be delayed
I haven't a good time to be able to write
and for what u said Dragonier; I think u'll come back from ur journy inshallah just seeingthe 3rd part if I was lucky, and I'll be travelling too after a few days inshallah
also regarding the story, it is not a short story, if I had the time and the ability of writing , It would be as long as the novel...
but I'm summarzing so it won't be as novel...umm that's all
JA

[Vulgar Display]

well written...

Thank you

[Kurosagi]

thanx for ur reply Vulgar Display, although I wished really to get comments
and sorry for the dely of the third part

ja

[Dragonier]

السلام عليكم ورجمة الله وبركاته

As I said before, I was going to write my whole
comment on the first two parts of this story.
But as a matter of fact, I was hoping to see the third part
of this story when I get back.
Oh well... This way I won't get lazy from writing my promised comment

Let's start...

First.. Part #1

The beginnig was kinda interesting; You began by discribing the heroes
of the story. Actually, I liked the names that you chose.
They reminded me of something. :P
However, the dicription of them was short. It would've been better if you discribed the characters and added more details such as: their perosonallity, intrests... etc
Or maybe you were clearifying in the next parts
I hope to know more about them in the next parts.

After that they were enjoying their time in the garden looking at an ancient building and its columns. It was really huge and full of glory. In the middle of the building and particularly at the centre of a square area there was a beautiful artistic sculpture which has attracted Kyo and his family. They gathered around it and Dr. Peter started talking about it; its history and by who it was made. Moreover, he analysed each part of it so all the attention was on the sculpture. At that very moment Dr. Peter has accomplished his mission.

I liked this part. I felt as if I were in the ancient building
The words you used were very convinient. They dicribed the ruins clearly

that was the last words they heard from Dr. Peter before they fall down in a deep dark hole

This sentence was the best one in this part.
It attracted me alot.
Because it was the last one, I've been eager to know the
rest of the story (But I was lucky because I read t
)he next part in the same time

Now.. Let's move to part #2

It was very dark surrounding; Kyo couldn’t see anything around him even his hand he couldn’t see it. He started calling his sister, then his father and mother but there was no answer. His heart started pounding quickly; he didn’t know what this feeling was about but all he could do is walking and continuing calling his family. The place was still getting darker and darker until a source of light has appeared so he started running towards it.
The source of light was still too far away, Kyo didn’t know how far it is but still he didn’t give up. As he was running, the ground suddenly has broken so he started falling down, but then there was a huge hand that has captured him. That hand belongs to a very huge strange body which looks more like a giant human. Kyo couldn’t see anything except a frame of shadow of that huge body. Then he heard a voice calling him.

:baffled5wh:Spooky

That's great. I really liked that. Good work

- “But they won’t go easy on you! They consider you as a betrayal!!”

I have a little comment about this sentense

There's something strange in it.
I think the word "betrayal" should've been "traitor"
Because the betrayal is the act itself, and traitor is the one who do so
So "traitor" would be more appropriate in my opinion

You began to get deeper in the story
The more I advanced in reading, the more questions came to my mind
A new character appeared in this part, Dr Brain
I think he hides many things. What did he do to get expelled
?!Is he really that bad

:eek4wd:The character of Dr Akai is starting to get clearer and more mysterious
at the same time. That's a good point

That's all I have for now
I am looking forward to reading your next part
Maybe things will be less mysterious
Hope My comment was as you expected

And keep up the good work

[Kurosagi]

HII Dragonier

sorry for the late reply

comment on the first two parts of this story.
But as a matter of fact, I was hoping to see the third part
of this story when I get back.

I'm really sorry for not posting the third part…it is almost finished

Inshallah I'll post it within two days.

Oh well... This way I won't get lazy from writing my promised comment

Thank you ^^

The beginnig was kinda interesting; You began by discribing the heroes
of the story. Actually, I liked the names that you chose.
They reminded me of something. :P

Thanx, oh u liked the names really! Lool, I wonder what they reminded u of

However, the dicription of them was short. It would've been better if you discribed the characters and added more details such as: their perosonallity, intrests... etc
Or maybe you were clearifying in the next parts
I hope to know more about them in the next parts

Mmm actually, I wrote my story in beginning as a summary, and then I was dragged to write more details. I realized that I should have described the characters more especially how do the looks like, but then I thought these descriptions would be revealed as the story goes on. So I think describing the characters directly is not the only way.

This sentence was the best one in this part.
It attracted me alot.
Because it was the last one, I've been eager to know the
rest of the story (But I was lucky because I read t
)he next part in the same time

I'm happy to hear that.

I have a little comment about this sentense

There's something strange in it.
I think the word "betrayal" should've been "traitor"
Because the betrayal is the act itself, and traitor is the one who do so
So "traitor" would be more appropriate in my opinion

Thank u and I agree with u ^^

You began to get deeper in the story
The more I advanced in reading, the more questions came to my mind
A new character appeared in this part, Dr Brain
I think he hides many things. What did he do to get expelled
?!Is he really that bad

The character of Dr Akai is starting to get clearer and more mysterious
at the same time. That's a good point

That's all I have for now
I am looking forward to reading your next part
Maybe things will be less mysterious
Hope My comment was as you expected

And keep up the good work

From the bottom of my heart, I really thank you

I'm really happy to see how u saw the characters, ur wonders

And ur thoughts, u'll know more about dr.Brain and Dr.Akai in the coming parts.

I doubt that the next part will be less mysterious, but of course u'll know more

Ur comments was more than I expected, I'm glad to read it

Thank sooo much and I hope to read ur comments in the coming parts

JA NEE