Drowned!~my very first long story~

[Rainbow Star]

Hi msoms members

how are you doing?
Happy eid for you

so

This is my first long story
I'm worried that i might not be good enough or boring
so I'll put half of it first and then I'll put the rest

I started this story last year
actually I draw a lot so I didn't write it I drew it but I didn't finish it
I hesitated

now I have little courage to put it
I changed it
I tried to write it
so here's what I wrote

oh please please tell me your opinions honestly so that I can get better


ps: not all the pictures are complete

Drowned

CREEK
Mina opened the door slowly, flashing the light twards the dark pool. She stepped in holding a piece of paper in her hand. suddenly! she heard a sound behind her,
...but when she turned back, She

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH

It all started three days ago when Mina and her friend Arisa where heading to class in the morning. Mina is normal active girl with curly hair. She's a talkative girl she was talking a lot and Arisa was listening. Arisa is a beautiful sweet girl with short light hair and big eyes. She loves to listen to Mina's stories. She always listens to her
with a big smile on her face.

and then I said..." Mina's words were cut by a long haired girl who just touched her" shoulder while walking in the school hallway.
"ARE YOU BLIND?!" the girl shouted at Mina.
"s..Sorry"
at that moment when Mina looked at her the girl gasped and said "oh no! er..no problem" and ran away.
"what a wierd girl. Senior girls are really something right Arisa?"
"um yeah that's right" answered Arisa with a smile.
"anyway what was I saying?...oh right I told her that....."
Mina continued her story.

_ _ _ _ _

"AH finally the first lesson is over" sighed Mina.
"Hey.. have you heard? there is a ghost in our school" a girl said
"Are you serious?! Get real"another said
"no it's true. I heard that a girl saw her"
"TELL ME MORE" Mina popped. said Mina in an excited tone:" I wanna know more, please Mai tell me!"
Mai is the queen of gossip.

She knows every thing that happens in the school. She's a calm girl with dark long hair and sleepy eyes. She LOVES telling stories, so she said with pleasure in a creepy tone:
"I heard that it's a ghost of a girl who drowned in the school pool two years ago. She was at the same age as us and the pool was closed since then"
"WHAT? she drowned in the pool?! isn't it too shallow? that's stupid, BUT I like these stories" said Mina with great excitment. She turned to Arisa and said"Right Arisa?"
Arisa hesitated and said"um.. I'm kind of afraid of those things..I"
"Are you kidding? these are mysteries! the best" said Mina "okay I've decided to look in this story even more"
"oh.." Arisa said in a low voice.

The next morning Mai approached Mina slowly and said "A girl from the third class dissappeared yesterday" and walked away.
Mina was shocked "What? why didn't I hear about it. I better start investigating soon"
Arisa was surprised. She said" you were serious?..."
"of course"
Mai came again and said" The girl who dissappeared received a note and went to the pool after school.The teachers didn't believe she dissappeared and said that she ran away"
Mina then said that she would start looking for clues. She asked Mai what the ghost's name was and Mai said "I think it was Yuri, but I never knew her last name it's missing and no one would speak"
"Thanks! that's a big help"
During the lunch break Mina told Arisa that she was going to the files room to look for some information Arisa tried to stop her because it's forbidden for students to go there, but Mina said "Ah Don't worry I know how to go there and come out without being noticed"
She sneaked to the files room when all the teachers were eating. That was her plan. IT WORKED. She found a file with the name Yuri, but the last name has been erased. She opened it. "WHAT?!". It was empty except for some blank papers.
She came back to class with an ugly face.
"What happened? did you get caught?" asked Arisa
"Nah the teachers are stupid. I went there, but it was good for nothing. I didn't find anything useful"
She sat in her chair angry
"I'm sorry"
"It's okay"
_ _ _ _ _
A long haired girl from the third class stood shocked near her desk looking at a note on it. She stood there staring at it without moving.

Rikka remembered what had happened the day before. Her best friend received the same note. Rikka warned her. she told her not to go after remembering what had happened, but her friend said "This must be a joke I wont forgive this person. This is not a laughing matter". Rikka was afraid to remind her more of what happened two years ago. Her friend looked determined. She wasn't afraid, but Rikka was. a girl approached her and said"are you alright Rikka?"
Rikka looked at her, she snapped from her memories, took the note and ran out fo class.
"NO I don't want to remember..." She mumbled.

_ _ _ _ _
"okay take your seats" the teacher came in "open your books"
Mina opened her book without paying attention. She was surprised to find a wiered paper in her book.

STOP INVESTIGATING
XXX

"WHAT?! WHO WROTE THIS" She shouted and stood waving the note "REVEAL
YOURSELF NOW"
All the girls in the class were shocked to see that. She suddenly realized she was in the middle of class. The teacher asked "What is it? did you say something?"
"Oh! no.. nothing sorry" and she sat on her chair embarrased. Luckily it was the oldest teacher in school and Mina's seat was in the back row!
After the end of class she showed Arisa the note and said "What's the meaning of this? is it a joke?"
"Maybe it's serious. oh no that's dangerous. Why don't you forget about it?"
"No way if this wasn't a joke that means it's real. The ghost and the missing girl. It might really be true, but wait how did this let's say 'ghost' know I was investigating? hey maybe it's a joke from Mai... Nooo she wouldn't do that. or maybe..."
"um ... Mina?"
"huh?"
"The school's empty"
"oh you're right.. then why don't you come to my house later and we'll talk"
"o okay"
"it's a deal" smiled Mina.

"Ah what's that on the floor?" Mina saw a paper near her feet. She leaned and picked it up.

RIKKA
MEET ME AT THE POOL THIS NIGHT AFTER SUNSET
FOR YOUR OWN GOOD
DON"T IGNORE ME
XXX

"AH! That's like the note I received" Shouted Mina"is this from the ghost? or what? ha..? Arisa?"
" m.. maybe. no no I don't think so .let's ignore it"
"no way this is a clue. um who's this Rikka? do you know her?"
"Rikka? no sorry"
"..."
"let's head home we'll talk later"
"alright then, see you later"
"see you"
_ _ _ _

END of part one

Part two

"I'll definitly convince her, I must"
that's what Arisa was thinking while ringing the doorbell of Mina's house. She looked really worried.

-clab0
"I'm comiiiin'"

"STOP RIGHT THERE . Didn't I tell you that I was going to open the door?! Didn't I say my friend was coming?" Mina shouted at the little boy who was runing down the hallway. He said:"I know but.." She didn't give him the chance to complete "Move!" She went to the door and opened it. Arisa was standing there smiling.
"Welcome, come in" said Mina happily.
Behind her the little boy was trying to look at who was there. He was pulling Mina's shirt trying to move her. Mina got pissed off and shouted raising her fist "WHAT?!!" Then the little boy said with great confidence " I want to see your friend." and he put his hands around his waist.
Mina wanted to reply but Arisa said"Who's this?" pointing at the boy
Mina sighed and said "my annoying little brother who doesn't want to go to his room"
Arisa leaned at the boy and said "oh he's so cute! what's your name cutie?" The boy smiled and said "I'm Toru. I knew you would be nice, not like big sis" Mina glared at him, but he continued smiling and looking at her " She's not a good girl She leaves her room untidy in the morning and you know what? come here so I'd tell you this secret" he whispered "she always..." His words were cut by a punch in the middle of his head
"let's go Arisa ^_^" she pulled her to her room.

"

were'nt you a bit harsh on him?" asked Arisa after she sat on the bed.
"He deserved even more" said Mina raising her fist "let's just forget about him"
"um..ok" noded Arisa while looking down.
Mina opened a drawer and got the note out. Then she said:" for now let's just go over what we know
There's a rumor going around school. The rumor says that a ghost is in the school pool which was closed two years ago. They say the girl drowned in the pool and it was closed since that incident. I wonder why did this 'ghost' appear now. why didn't she appear two years ago?!. and how could she drown in a swimming pool? They say the girl's name was Yuri. there are no clues about her, and the teachers say that's just a rumor.I don't believe them. There seems to be something wrong. Does she have anything to do with the disappearance of that senior girl? Why did I recieve that note? how come I found another that looks similiar to mine and was directed to a girl named Rikka. THis means it's NOT a joke.That's my conclusion. I should call Mai and ask her about this girl. wait just a minute Arisa I'll be right back"

Mina left and came back after a short time looking as if she's found the answer to something big. -clab0She said:" Arisa! you won't believe me if I told you this. oh that girl Mai is really something. She knows a lot. She said that there's only one Rikka and she was a senior."
then Arisa startled a bit and said:" so, you'll go meet her tomorrow right?"
"
wait that's not everything, when I asked Mai to describe her to me, she totally described that weird long haired girl that we ran into that morning! I'm beginnig to see hope -clab0"
Arisa didn't reply, but after a short time she said:"Don't you want to look more into the note?"
"AH yes! now that I'm sure this is serious I'm going to school this night" Mina said that while her eyes were shining with confidence and will.
Arisa looked a bit scared, but then she became like she's already decided
"I'll go with you" She said
"No way"
"What?! Why"
"I can't get you involved in something like that, besides you said you were afraid of ghosts"Mina said seriously
"...no, I'm not I'm just..."
"see? you're not coming that's all!"
Arisa gave up!

KNOCK KNOCK!
"HEY BIG SIS OPEN THE DOOR!" Toru's voice came through the door.
"AH! What does that annoying boy want now?" Mina said while walking twards the door. She opened it slightly and said "WHAT NOW?!"
Toru looked at her eyes and then looked away saying:"Hmph...you really are a lousy girl. mom is telling you to serve your guest you stupid girl"
"HEY mom won't call me stupid!"

"OOH That's right the stupid part is mine Haha" He said that and ran away laughing.
"
wait you little devil... stop! I'll kill you!"

Part Three

"Okay this is it! I have to calm down"
That was what Mina was telling herself "Ah I can't believe that I lied to mom and she believed that Arisa forgot something, umm this is not the time to be thinking that. Now how am I supposed to enter the school?!"


she walked to the door and tried to open it. She thought "OH I knew it wouldn't open but still... I need to find a way in"
She remembered that the pool had a back door that led to the yard. She went that way and suddenly she heard something. She saw the door half opened. She approached slowly, opened it and stepped in.suddenly! she heard a sound behind her, but when she turned back, She...

AAAHHHH

She screamed after she saw that big pole swinging in the air aiming for her...
She froze...
She knew she couldn't dodge it
...
...

She suddenly felt as if the time just paused

"what happened to me?" She thought"Why am I not on the ground? Why didn't that..."
Her thoughts were cut by a sound
"sniff* sniff"
"What's that?" She rose her flash light twards the person who was standing infront of her.
She was so shocked that she couldn't move, couldn't speak, She couldn't even think!


"WHY?! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO LOOK INTO IT? *HEC*SNIFF* WHY DIDN"T YOU JUST GIVE UP" said that long haired person with a face full of sorrow and grudge, with eyes full of tears
*sniff*
"WHY ARE YOU SO.. SO MEAN TO.."

Mina snapped from her shock. Her face showed emotions of great pain and disappointment.
"A..

A..Arisa?"


"is that you ... no wait.. your hair it isn't that long"
Mina wasn't herself anymore. She couldn't even talk properly.

"Yes! it is me ARISA" she raised her hand to her head and pulled the wigg she was wearing

She had a smirk on her face "That's just a disguise to play GHOST"

"play?..ghost? I don't get it"

Arisa laughed. That innocent face disappeared.
She said:"Are you that stupid? did you actually believe that there was a ghost? it was just a cover"


"Arisa.." Mina hesitated" are you okay? that's not like you. What do you mean cover! for what?"

"THAT"S ENOUGH!" said Arisa raising the pole "You don't deserve to know ... someone like you who has a..." she raised her hands to attack Mina

"STOP! What are you doing?" at that moment Mina returned to normal. She stopped Arisa's hands, pulled the pole and slapped her.

"YOU! You are the one who did this? Do you think it's a joke? playing with people's lives! I thought you were my friend who's afraid of ghosts!
Oh my god what did you do to that senior girl?"


"LIVES! playing with lives? me? it was HER! She was the one who played with
my sister's life. She was the one who killed her. She had to die! and YOU.."


"ME? you want to kill me then? I thought you were my best friend Arisa"
Arisa's emotions suddenly changed it seemed like she was back to her old self. She looked frightened and said:
"NO! NO .. No ... you.. you're my friend.. yes, you are! Oh my god what am I doing to you? I...I'm sorry"

Arisa then threw her weapon away. She was shaking. her eyes were empty, without any expression on her face...At that moment Mina approached her.
Mina seemed to understand what happened. She raised her hand to Arisa's and held it. She said calmly:
"it's alright! I'm here with you" and she smiled.

Arisa started to mumble something. Mina didn't get what Arisa was trying to say, so she leaned to her and said:
"it's okay you can tell me anything.."

Arisa raised her head and looked at Mina like a lost spirit that had finally found it's way to peace. She said:
"Mina...
I..
It all began when I was four years old.."

Arisa talked in that empty pool while sitting face to face at her best friend with the thin light coming from the flash light Mina had.
she said smiling and looking far away:


"It was a sunny day. We went to the beach. My family and I loved it there. I had an older sister...and a..a little brother"
she said that with her smile,but her eyes were full of tears.
She continued:
"He was adorable... He was too young to walk and he loved to crawl. That day I was hungry after playing so much. I asked my mom for food. She told me to wait untill my father came, but I insisted, then she agreed. She asked Yuri to look after us, so that she would go get me something to eat...
I was building a sand castle. I wanted Yuri to see it. I pulled her from her hand to show her my castle...I...*sniff* I.. didn't realise that that would happen.
mom came shouting at Yuri asking where my little brother was. Yuri was with me all the time. we didn't notice that he...*sniff*sob* he went twards the water...mom slapped Yuri and ran to the sea. something was there. she stood there, held it and collapsed...
*sob*
"Yuri blamed herself everyday.. and mom began treating her diffirentley...
Yuri was afraid of water. She couldn't even bathe alone. I had to be with her...and in the school she didn't paricipate in the swimming class.

But those girls... those stupid selfish girls.. they stole her notebook and put a paper on her desk asking her to come to the pool at night, if she wanted her notebook back. She told me about the note and the girls..she used to tell me everything...mom didn't care about her anymore, so at night she went out easily...but she never came back.

The day after that the police came to our house and told us that a teacher found ... found.."


Arisa started to cry painfully. Mina hugged her while the tears were running on her cheeks
Mina opened her mouth to say something, but Arisa talked, she said:

"I couldn't forgive them..it wasn't Yuri's fault from the beginnig...it was mine...I couldn't...and you ... you have this cute little brother, yet you're so mean to him..That's why..that's why I ... I'm sorry I wasn't thinking straight..I wouldn't want to hurt you.. never"

Mina was shocked to hear that, but then she released Arisa and looked at her face smiling and saying:

"you stupid girl, you got it all wrong...it's because I love him.He's my little brother.We're supposed to fight like that. It's all because we love each other very much and that's totally normal..."

Suddenly Mina thought she heard something, she grabbed the flash light and pointed it to the door. She saw a shadow of someone. Quickly she stood and ran to grab that person's hand.



It was Rikka. She came after all. She was crying. She looked at Mina. Mina released her hand after seeing all the guilt that was shown on her face.
Rikka walked to Arisa who was still sitting on her place without moving.

Rikka spoke:
"I know that it's not going to do anything, but... I'm sorry, I'm terribly sorry
when I saw you that day in the hall, I thought I saw the ghost of Yuri. ...You look so much like her..
..
We were just playing with her, we didn't realise she was afraid of water...
I tried to stop my friend after seeing how Yuri was frightened, but instead she said that she wanted to see what Yuri would do because she didn't like the fact that Yuri didn't swim with us, so she threw the notebook in the pool and pushed Yuri. After Yuri fell into the water she wanted to leave. I didn't know what to do...
*sob*
..I wanted to help Yuri,but I was so weak..

I'm sorry
..
I'm so sorry"

Arisa stood up. She wiped her tears and said:
" I forgive you...After what I've done to your friend I know that it wouldn't bring my sister back..I'm sorry too, I made the same mistake as you"

Rikka seemed happy "THANK YOU" she said that and ran away.


Mina walked to Arisa, she wanted to say something, but Arisa said "I'm fine" She smiled "really, I am. You don't have to worry."

"I'm sorry I wasn't a good friend...I ..I love you.. my best friend" Mina said that and hugged Arisa.
"thank you" came like a whisper from Arisa's mouth.

They went out of the pool that night and started a new page together.


The senior girl was never found
....
and the ghost rumor ended unsolved after new rumors took place!l

THE END

so how was it?

was it intresting?

or so boring that you would
or
you have to tell the truth or else

yeah I know some moves

lol

I'm waiting
...

thanks Azuma

[أسمـــاء]

OOOOH
ARE U KIDDING ME SIS
that was just amazing
have u seen the anime

Ghost Hunt0


it is such a spooky creepy series
and it's the best anime i've ever seen
that talks about ghosts

anyway, your story remind me of the files i've seen in Ghost hunt 0 ,coz each story is devided into three episods and called one file, even your characters remind me of that amazing episodes



.................................................. .

your story is really interesting and exciting
and to be honest , i enjoyed it
BUT
it needs a little bit of changes to be perfect ^_*
what i wanted to see in this amazing story is much more arrangements

*****
colore quotations
introduce the characters by pictures for
Mina, mia, Rikka and each character that has her own appearance
put some pictures while narrating the events
like when she whent to the pool after school, put apicture for a creeppy pool and so on
that way your story will be more attractive and beautiful
^_^
I hope u success in your next chapter
see you

[Rainbow Star]

sis Azuma

thank you

I didn't watch ghost hunt, but now I will

and about the pictures I drew them but I didn't scan them
so I'll try next time to put them

thanks so much for being honest
^_^

[Harry Potter]

AWESOME , This is some thing you have to be proud of

and the drawings are some thing of MAGIC

GREAT GREAT GREAT

[Rainbow Star]

Harry Potter
thank you so much bro
you really encouraged me

[Rainbow Star]

allright
I addded Part Two
I hope you like it

[Yusuke]

What a great story

it's really good and I was enjoyed while reading

thanks for the story

and continue to be creative

I'm looking forward what you'll write

[Rainbow Star]

Thanks brother

and welcome to the english forum
^__^

[Hajime-san]

Ohayoooo

Rainbow :all options haha
about your story ...hmmmmm ......is
sooooooooo gooooooooooooooooooooooooood and niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice
i liiiiiike it really
waaaaaaaaaw
-------------
but u know what it needs a some order
separatino between the dialogue and other parties u know this things or called it "design
it'll we be mooooore niiiiiice ^_^l
------
so i'm waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiting for the next ...ok
i think that will be wonderfuuuuuuuul lol

Best regards

[Rainbow Star]

Hajime-san

thanks a lot

design ha?l
P-:
I'm not that much of a designer but I'll try okay?l




well then
I added the last part

yaaay

it's finally finished

I know it took me long enough

well
enjoy


niko^^